The Gulf | Ep. 1: Masquerade Paradisia sucks. But the whole island sails there on Monday.
Well, the island doesn’t really sail. It’s called Gulf Sails, but there are no sails. Some of the windmills sort of look like sails. So does a lot of the architecture on the central platform. The architects did that for aesthetics, obviously.
I’m putting on my costume for Halloween tonight. I’ll be meeting up with friends in two hours at Cask of Amontillado.
I know, it sounds like a boring place where old guys sip whiskey. But that’s just the basement. The main floor is a club with a gothic vibe, mainly because the building is an old cathedral. They fully exploit that for Halloween.
That’s why it’s anarchy on Halloween night. The place to be, or at least the best place to start.
I’m dressing as a masquerader, and so are a couple of my friends.
It’s always bittersweet. Of the four months each year Gulf Sails is anchored here, it’s the craziest party night in Barracuda. But it also marks the end of the best four months of the year.
Barracuda is absolutely epic. And on Monday we sail to Paradisia. And as I’ve mentioned, Paradisia sucks.
For starters, the drinking age in Paradisia is 21. Gulf Sails leaves Paradisia next year on March first. I turn 21 on March second. So I can say goodbye to my nightlife for the next four months.
Because another reason why Paradisia is so shitey, is that it is strict. It’s basically the polar opposite of Barracuda. It’s a cruel joke.
My parents say Paradisia is meant to be a detox for the residents of Gulf Sails after going crazy for four months. Paradisia leadership is all about yoga and cleanses.
There’s more juiced alfalfa sprouts than vodka in Paradisia. And I’m more of a vodka guy.
I’ve been telling my parents for years that they should just detach from Gulf Sails and dock their platform permanently at Barracuda. But they say they would never get enough work done living in Barracuda full time. It’s for summer slacking, they say. Then it’s crunch time. And Paradisia is the perfect environment to get the mind and body in order.
I disagree. Paradisia makes me feel like I am trapped. It’s half spa, half cult. I want to smack the smug looks off every one of those shysters’ self righteous faces.
The permanent residents of Paradisia walk around in white flowy clothes, always smiling and bowing to each other with hands clasped or pressed together. They’re creepy as all hell.
It’s the type of place that is so sanitized on the surface I feel like there must be some kind of underground sex trafficking dungeon. Nobody’s that perfect. ... See more
Episode 1 | Read by Joe Jarvis Paradisia sucks. But the whole island sails there on Monday. Well, the island doesn’t really sail. It’s called Gulf Sails, but there are no sails. Some of the windmil… ... See more
