You have the right to free speech, an unalienable right, enshrined in the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights. In order to exercise this right, go down to your local police station, and ask them for a free speech permit. This will cost you $100 dollars, and take about 5 weeks if you’re lucky. But some Police Chiefs might ask you to prove your need for free speech, or require 2 letters of recommendation from people who can vouch for you that you won’t misuse your free speech.
Some departments might put a restriction on your free speech license, like you can only use free speech in your home and on private property, and in your car while while moving between private properties. And of course this permit does not cover free speech in schools, federal buildings, or post offices. If you carry your free speech into one of these places, even with your permit, you will go to jail according to their zero tolerance policies.
In five years you will have to re-apply for your permit to use free speech, and pay another $100. Oh and this permit only applies in your state, so just remember not to speak freely across the border, or criticize public officials if you are not in your home state—this could land you a mandatory minimum of 10 years in prison for some instances.
Also you might want to keep the fact that you use free speech to yourself. If someone sees you freely speaking, they might call the police, not knowing that you have a permit. Also you want to be careful about mentioning you practice free speech at work, because you might make your coworkers nervous, and you could get fired. Make sure your kids know that in school they should not draw pictures of themselves or you on a soapbox.
But no one is trying to take away or limit your right to free speech. Your right to free speech is completely in tact and has not been infringed upon by the government at all. All these limitations on free speech are just to keep people safe, and they really don’t restrict your right at all.
Now where’s you $100 for your religion permit? And will you be seeking freedom from self incrimination and cruel and unusual punishment this year? Those will be $100 each.
Sound ridiculous? It should. Rights are not something you must ask permission to exercise.